Parent Toolkit #6:
Make Your Home a Mattering Haven - Part II
Introduction
3 Family Connection and Flourishing Among Adolescents in 26 Countries. Robert C. Whitaker, MD, MPH; Tracy Dearth-Wesley, PhD, MPH; Allison N. Herman, MEd, MPH; Anne-Sophie N. van Wingerden, BA; Delaine W. Winn, BA. https://publications.aap.org/pediatrics/article/149/6/e2021055263/188014/Family-Connection-and-Flourishing-Among?autologincheck=redirected
As a parent, you might assume that your children know that they matter to you—doesn’t it seem like you tell them all the time? But a student survey conducted by author Jennifer Wallace tells a different story: When students were asked how much they agreed with the statement, “I feel like I matter for who I am at my core, not by what I achieve," a surprising one in four of them agreed either “a little” or “not at all.” In other words, a quarter of students who took this survey believed that achievement, not who they are as people, is the most important thing to their parents. In fact, more than 50% said that they thought their parents loved them more when they were more successful.
To reinforce just how much we love our children no matter what they accomplish, it’s critical to make our homes ground zero for mattering. The good news is that this doesn’t require huge shifts, but rather small and frequent intentional actions. After all, everyday moments can contribute to overall feelings of mattering for profound mental health benefits.
Some Things To Think About
Engage in “Micro-Practices” to Foster Mattering at Home.
For Professor Gordon Flett, mattering can be communicated through “micro-practices,” including how you respond when your child enters the room. Do you take a moment to give your undivided attention? Do you light up when you see your child walk into the room? Physical touch and affection reaffirm how much our children mean to us, regardless of their age. A study from Notre Dame found that children who were raised in physically affectionate households reported less depression and anxiety and higher levels of compassion as adults.
Some Things To Try
Spot your childrens’ superpowers.
Parenting energy is often focused on identifying childrens’ weaknesses and finding ways to support them so that they can reach their full potential. Try replacing this deficit mindset by becoming a “strengths spotter”: Instead of focusing on what is missing, highlight your children’s gifts and strengths. Ask each of your family members what they see as their superpower and share what you see as their superpower. Struggling to find your strengths? Take the VIA Strengths Survey on the Mattering Movement website.
Greet your children with the enthusiasm of a puppy.
Life is busy, and sometimes families feel like they are ships passing in the night with little time to connect in meaningful ways. Greeting your child as if you are the family puppy—with complete, unabashed joy and delight—goes a long way to expressing unconditional love for your children. Just make sure you throw in some extra hugs and kisses: A University of Notre Dame study found that children who were raised in physically affectionate homes reported less depression and anxiety as adults.
For more ways to express to kids that they matter, download our Mattering Messages worksheet.